The other night I was depressed and tried to call the suicide hotline, but accidentally dialed the Butterball Turkey hotline instead. Oddly enough, their advice worked anyway.

Turns out all your other problems fall into perspective when you have an ass full of Stovetop Stuffing.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?'

Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'