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As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

Woody Allen

The other night I was depressed and tried to call the suicide hotline, but accidentally dialed the Butterball Turkey hotline instead. Oddly enough, their advice worked anyway.

Turns out all your other problems fall into perspective when you have an ass full of Stovetop Stuffing.

Top5 Ruminations

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